Sunday, June 17, 2018

Happy Father's Day | What a difference 1 year can make | Healing | Daddy Hurt

Happy Father's Day to all the Fathers that are taking care of their family + making a positive contribution to this thing that we call life.  

Father's Day for me personally has always been a somber day up until last year around this same time.  If you have followed my journey to healing, confronting the suicide of my biological father, and healing from it never being discussed with me for 37 years.  This year I feel accomplished because I don't feel somber or sad, I actually feel normal.  I plan to celebrate my "Bonus Father/Stepfather" who has been a mainstay in our family.  He's hardworking, stubborn, knows the WORD (especially when I have questions), loving in his own way & has always made sure our family was taken care of in the most genuine way.  

Typically on Father's Day I have had a aching in the pit of my stomach because I had so many unanswered questions about my bio father (that I honestly think of now as just my sperm donor...Don't Judge Me).  At the age of 5 he CHOSE to take his own life, and from that time it was never discussed.  At 5 years old you don't know what questions to ask.  At age 15-42  you still don't know what questions to ask. It was never personally talked about.   I was always forced to visit "his side of the family" by my Mama who I assume was just wanting to do right by him even in his death.  

Up until  the last year I have chose not "be forced" to go visit "that side" of the family.  I say that I chose because I did...for years I would come home to Kentucky and on Sunday before I went back to Tennessee it was always forced, "Ok get up & get ready we are going to see "The Cushenberry Family".  However for all of those years....ALL 37 of those years, that side of the family never invited me to family get togethers, or just to come over to spend time with them to get to know them.   I recall back in high school one of "My cousins" called me a "Spoiled Bitch"!   I have not spoken to her since that day.  The sad part is that I don't know her honestly, she was always very abrasive even in high school because we were semi close in age.  Recently I was contacted by one of my Bio fathers brothers and I only had the question of why now?  I have been on a journey of breaking the generational curse that I know is on that side of the family over my life.  I would hate to bring a child into the world knowing what I know.  Mental health is very important to me, and if you don't acknowledge that it exist, you will never be healed.  You will continue to live your life in a fog.

 I am to blessed & favored to live my life in a fog and that is why today I can celebrate!  God is good y'all because I was in a dark fog while still going through life & trying to build a life + business over the last year. 

I can say on today Sunday June 17, 2018 I am in a complete place of healing and it feels good!  The anger is gone.   There have been times more times that I care to admit that I got angry at my Mama for never talking freely about his suicide. Once it was finally confronted she said, "You never asked"   I've realized through going to therapy(my Therapist in Nashville is the bomb BTW)  that I can't blame her even though.   I would think that if it would be me, I would want to have that open communication with my child especially about such a tragic life event.  Suicide in the African American community (or any community) is something that is just not talked about.  ITS A TABOO TOPIC.  However with the recent  multiple suicides of some major celebrities its definitely a topic that we have to bring to the table.  

Today feels right and it feels good.  I am happy to be in this place.  I can attest that if you truly want happiness, healing & wholeness if you put in the work it pays off.  

Happy Father's Day & Cheers to a life of health + wholeness.